In the story, Kiowa feels ambivalent about Lavender's death; he feels guilty that he can't seem to muster up any anger or sadness regarding his colleague's death.
The one thing he does feel is relief that he's still alive. This feeling of relief leaves him feeling even more guilty for what he considers his "unchristian" response to Lavender's death. In fact, at the time of Lavender's death, Kiowa admits that he had been surprised that Lavender had died so quickly. To his recollection, Lavender had just dropped dead, without drama and certainly without any indication that he had experienced pain.
Kiowa envies Lieutenant Cross for being able to grieve for Lavender's death. All Kiowa feels is relief that he's still alive. He admits that, rather than feeling sad, he's more aware of the pleasure of living than ever before.
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